Stalking Leads to Restraining Orders (A Self Help Guide)

Random first line prompt generated at www.writingexercises.co.uk

Genre: Self Help


Someone must have seen him, because the police were at his door. The young Romeo was busted, slapped with a restraining order, banned from pursuing his Juliet. Has this ever happened to you? Well, fret no more! These tips and tricks will give you some of the basics you’ll need to woo your girl and stay out of jail in the process!

Tip #1: No means no… sometimes

When a girl says “no,” chances are she means “no,” not “Oooo, where have you been all my life?! Please keep trying multiple times a day for at least the next month and I’ll know you really mean it!” The proper response to “no” is to move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Of course, she could be playing hard get. Remember: Stalking leads to restraining orders.

Tip #2: Her favorite color, don’t start with underwear

Knowing her favorite color is a useful tool, but there’s a right way and a wrong way to gather this intel without making you the tool. Your best option is to ask her what her favorite color is. The subtle option is to observe what she’s wearing and noticing. Do NOT approach this topic in the following way, “Hello Julia. I’d love to know what your favorite color is. Can I see your underwear?” Remember: Stalking leads to restraining orders.

Bonus tip: If she answers your innocent question with “pink,” do NOT follow that up with “Oh yeah, prove it by showing me your underwear.”

Tip #3: When exchanging photos, clothing is NOT optional

It’s not just “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” make sure you add pants too. You might be proud of your exceptionally manly physique, but women are traditionally not quite as mesmerized by those extra hairy appendages. There’s a reason that they say “less is more,” and no, it has nothing to do with your physique directly, just how much of it is showing. A snapshot of you in all of your full monty glory will quickly land you on the blocked list. Stick with a tasteful option that fits your personality, something you wouldn’t mind her father seeing. Remember: Stalking leads to restraining orders.

Bonus tip: There is a definite difference in being nude versus naked. Nude implies a formal relationship has already been established and blessed by the father (both priestly and in-law). Naked means that you have a much higher probability of being lynched by attack dogs and thoroughly aerated with buckshot.

Tip #4: Establishing a connection

Getting to know her likes, dislikes, hobbies, and interests will be your golden ticket to winning her over. Just as with tip #2, there are right and wrong ways to learn and utilize this information. DO ask her about her interests. Do NOT adopt all of her likes, dislikes, hobbies, and interests as if they are yours too. While the second option may seem like a sure fire way to establish a connection, it will backfire on you, I guarantee it! Also, do NOT follow her, have her investigated, or watch her through her windows to gain this information. Remember: Stalking leads to restraining orders.

Tip #5: The hook up – She’s not a trailer

Now for the topic I’m sure concerns you the most, the hook up. Girls like to be wooed and pursued, not pursued and conquered. For instance, asking if you can buy her a drink is ok. Asking her how many drinks it will take to get her to say “yes” is not. She is a person, a human being, a respectable (hopefully) member of society! She shares the chromosomal makeup of your mother, your sister, your grandmother! Treat her with dignity and respect. Unless she charges by the hour, and in that case, you’re on your own! Also, remember: Stalking leads to restraining orders.

Thoughts? Musings? Pertinent ramblings of your own? Please share!

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